June 2011
6 posts
We visited our new house today.
After waiting outside for 15 minutes for my dad to meet us with the key, we finally entered and looked around, deciding where our furniture would go and which room belonged to who. It was empty and cold, but bright with sunshine. I followed my parents around a while, until we got to the bedrooms.
I freaked out. I couldn’t take it. The reality was hitting me too hard. As I was descending...
I'm not depressed.
But I’m not completely happy either. I know I’m missing pieces of myself, like sometimes I forget to smile at a joke or I’m not always completely there during a conversation. Sometimes I don’t remember what I did the day before, or I’ll get stuck on the easiest math problem.
I don’t know where I go when this happens. I don’t believe I’m thinking of anything entirely important. If I snap out of it,...
Sometimes I really wish I had to courage to leave. To run away and never look back and never think about how things were anymore. I would be free of all this sadness and guilt and contempt. I would be happy. I wouldn’t care about how you would try to get me to come back, as if I liked living that way. I would be with people I want to be with, I wouldn’t care what you would say, I would be so...
Sometimes it feels like this sadness won’t go away. I’m so tired, but not sleepy-tired. I’m just tired of everything and everyone. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a few years, until everything feels okay again.
I wonder how easy it would be to give up. I’ve never really thought about it before, because I always looked towards the future and how it would help me then. But now it seems like there is no future. That tiny little light that I had my eye on for the past three years has closed up. It doesn’t exist anymore.
I never even knew it could get this bad. It feels like every waking moment I’m going to...
People don’t know what goes on inside my head. I’m so good at smiling it looks authentic. You can even see happiness in my eyes, just don’t look to close or too long. People think I look on the bright side, that I never seem to get sad or angry. They think I take care of my appearance because they believe I think I’m pretty. They believe me when I say it’s okay, I’m fine, just a little...
