January 2013
2 posts
1 tag
January 8, 2013
It is 2am, but it’s bright outside. It is not the sun. The house is quiet. Four other people move through the space like dolls, whispering silence and invisibility. They are not real.
Their whispers eventually make their way through time, until it is 2am, and I hear them. I know I am not special. I know that there is no real reason for me to feel this way. Their judgements cut through my...
January 7, 2013
They say ignorance is bliss. They are right.
It’s been a while now. It’s long since past I’ve stopped taking the cure. I’m happier now. I can feel beauty blooming. I can see colors again. I am out of touch with reality. Nothing’s the same, and everything’s different. It’s difficult to explain, and I can feel the wrong words fall from my tongue like...
February 2012
2 posts
I thought I was over this. I thought that these little pills would help. I thought that they would keep the sadness at bay, where those clawed hands are too far away to have another swipe at my mind.
Why is it back? Why do I feel worse than before? When will it end? Will it ever?
I’m tired of every day feeling like a chore. I’m tired of waking up and putting on a smile for the...
February 22, 2012
I am so damn tired of putting up with all of this. But I’m so pathetic that I can’t even say or do something about it. I write stupid blog posts on the internet bitching about my feelings.
November 2011
7 posts
When I smile, I feel plastic. When I laugh, it...
Sometimes it feels like something is boiling up from inside me. It’s a monster, making my arms and legs shake. It wants to come out, it wants me to open my mouth and scream. My arms shake because I’m trying to hold it in. It wants me to pick up anything—everything—and hurl it across the room, ruin it, rip it to pieces. It wants me to pull my hair out, dig my fingernails...
I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom how I’ve been feeling about everything. She assured me that I would get taken to the doctor. She said that there’s medication that I can take for help, there are therapists I can talk to.
I refuse to believe that it is even possible to make this feeling disappear. Pills and people are not going to help. There isn’t a way they can...
1 tag
November 27, 2011
I wonder if things would have been better if I was someone else.
I really don’t want to go to school on Monday.
I’m so tired of fake smiles and laughs, of pretending to be interested in something I don’t give a shit about, of being around constant judgement, of sitting through classes when I’d rather be asleep, of having conversations with people I wont ever give a second thought about, of worrying about my appearance, of shallow friends who think their...
The worst feeling in the world is wanting to talk about how you feel, but having no one to talk to.
There are people who would hear me, but they wouldn’t listen.
They would act worried, but they wouldn’t care.
I feel like I’m stuck inside my fucking head.
I literally feel like I’m trapped.
It’s driving me insane. I’m losing my fucking sanity.
This thing
It feels like a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach. It crumbles me, it makes my mouth dry. I can’t breath, can’t move. I want to cry, scream, throw things, rip my hair out, beg for help, fall to the floor, let the tears come, let it all out until there is nothing left inside of me but emptiness. Maybe then I wont be able to feel things. My feelings will disappear. I will not cry...
June 2011
6 posts
We visited our new house today.
After waiting outside for 15 minutes for my dad to meet us with the key, we finally entered and looked around, deciding where our furniture would go and which room belonged to who. It was empty and cold, but bright with sunshine. I followed my parents around a while, until we got to the bedrooms.
I freaked out. I couldn’t take it. The reality was hitting me too hard. As I was descending...
Sometimes I really wish I had to courage to leave. To run away and never look back and never think about how things were anymore. I would be free of all this sadness and guilt and contempt. I would be happy. I wouldn’t care about how you would try to get me to come back, as if I liked living that way. I would be with people I want to be with, I wouldn’t care what you would say, I would be so...
Sometimes it feels like this sadness won’t go away. I’m so tired, but not sleepy-tired. I’m just tired of everything and everyone. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a few years, until everything feels okay again.
I'm not depressed.
But I’m not completely happy either. I know I’m missing pieces of myself, like sometimes I forget to smile at a joke or I’m not always completely there during a conversation. Sometimes I don’t remember what I did the day before, or I’ll get stuck on the easiest math problem.
I don’t know where I go when this happens. I don’t believe I’m thinking of anything entirely important. If I snap out of it,...
I wonder how easy it would be to give up. I’ve never really thought about it before, because I always looked towards the future and how it would help me then. But now it seems like there is no future. That tiny little light that I had my eye on for the past three years has closed up. It doesn’t exist anymore.
I never even knew it could get this bad. It feels like every waking moment I’m going to...
People don’t know what goes on inside my head. I’m so good at smiling it looks authentic. You can even see happiness in my eyes, just don’t look to close or too long. People think I look on the bright side, that I never seem to get sad or angry. They think I take care of my appearance because they believe I think I’m pretty. They believe me when I say it’s okay, I’m fine, just a little...
